I keep telling myself I'll just take one more day. One more day to rest, then I'll start writing/designing/graphicing/whatever. The one day has become a few weeks, possibly a month.
It's exhausting. I'm not sure what it is but whatever it is it's exhausting. I have a fuckton of things to do and things I really, really want to do but in the end watching movies wins out not so much because I want to watch movies but because I can lay down and not think and it's rather nice.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I guess to explain should I disappear for awhile.
I refuse to believe any college of any form in terms of signing up for classes can be less annoying and frustrating than signing up for classes at my community college. I basically have to take three online classes next semester unless I want to take classes at night. The class selection for fall semester is really... dismal. And there's normally only one design class per semester. I'm terrified to see how my classes for next spring will come up because I will only have design classes left.
Also, I'm taking three online classes this summer because it is impossible to complete an associates in two years unless I took six classes a semester and.
And I need a job.
I have a feel come May 26th when the first batch of summer classes come up I am going to hate myself.
I'm slowly getting back in track in terms of things. It's good. I mean, things are still awkward, and I'm still poor and jobless and I'm still moving sometime in the near-future but I'm also writing again and watching a lot of fun TV shows on Netflix and feeling better.
Right now I am putting my own Watchmen fic on hold to work on the backstory and plot aspects more. Until then I am working on the Rorschach & Nite Owl pre-Keen fic which I think I might have the first chapter up tonight. If not, tomorrow. I'm not that good of a writer, I know, but it's fun so whatever.
I'm also planning on getting some coding done for Epic Level Commoner so I can link that, figuring out the basic mechanics of a homebrew system (more of that will be on ELC, which is there just for gaming because no one on my flist/LJ cares about table-top), and while I won't get my website up, I think I will start skinning again and setting up a forum for it.
Also, expect more Repo! icons in the near-future. =)
And... I have acquired a bad obsession with Pokemon and will be cosplaying as Jessie at Otakon this year. It's an easy costume, and I won't die of heat. I need I job so I can but a pair of $80 boots to wear with it (interestingly, the boots are more expensive than the rest of the costume combined according to my calculations.)
I imagine imaginary characters doing great things and falling in love and in my headspace of fantasy and adventure I am indefinitely better and prettier and things are so simple in their complicated intrigue. The world is different and the continents are changed and there is magic and no technology and forever is tangible touchable and beautiful and the monumental things matter to those involved and they do not change their mind later. Lies destroy the earth and those who lie suffer in the end like Disney villains or the protagonists in old-fashioned fairy tales. Real life has more in common with Grimm and Anderson and isn't that sad?
I can build a hideout in my headspace of rock or wood or something not synthetic and I do not have to worry about paint colors because natural colors are far more interesting and my hideout would be real and not some precarious place in my brain that I hide while curled up in bed under four blankets despite the fact it is as least eighty degrees in here with the candles and the heated laptop and the fact when I am not vertical in my misery I am pacing in my cage which somehow ups the temperature.
I spend my first stars and 11:11s wishing for something I can't have and now I am writing nonsense at near midnight and I do not care because I am frustrated and confused and above all I am
No, really, I actually like this one.
And so, there you have it. My second layout in like a week. But this one is staying.
And now, bed. =)
For the most part, when I restarted this journal, I decided to leave my personal life at home where it belongs. But sometimes you just can't.
This past two weeks I have witnessed trees, televisions, you name it, thrown. I have heard screams of I don't care if you live or die, whore, and hundreds of other names just as worse. I got a call from my mother, shut in in her back room late at night telling me she's leaving and I'm welcome to come with her. I have had awkward conversations with my father where he calls my mother 'your mother' and I feel like I'm betraying her by being civil, especially since I'm never civil to him, haven't been for years since he started drinking more and yelling more.
We're looking for apartments or condos now. They're expensive, though, and we're fairly poor. It's hard, and I don't--can't--really talk to anyone about it because they have their own problems, and a disproportionate amount of my friends still have parents who are still married so it's not like they know what it's like living in a war zone where one side has nuclear weapons and the other side is a pacifist.
I have so much to do. Two Watchmen fics to write. Stories to read for class. A zombie novel I've been playing around with for months I want to finally do something about--I came up with the perfect opening yesterday. I have tons of things in Photoshop I need to do for class, although I doubt that will happen. I can't even focus on video games. Mostly I've just been curled up watching Doctor Who and realizing my life is about to become a lot more like pre-Doctor Rose's. Guess it's good I love Rose.
Forgive me, fandom, if I don't do anything I promised or offer more shiney icons or be active and fun. Forgive me anyone I know, really, because right now I just want to curl up and die and every time I seem to talk to someone it ends up being an emofest of "I just watched someone throw a potted tree out of my living room."
... yeah. Yeah. So I'm sorry I suck, LJ, but everything else sucks right now, too. I'm going back to watching Doctor Who now. And, hey, Doctor, if you're real, come down to South Jersey and take me away in the TARDIS. I can clean the TARDIS and we can overexaggerate together.
What the title says. New journal layout. I still need to change some stuff, and I haven't checked it in Opera or IE yet but for now it's fine.
Just thought I'd let you know, LJ-land.